1
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:40,071
Ooh la la!
2
00:00:40,407 --> 00:00:43,471
- Good morning, Mrs Miggins.
- Bonjour, monsieur.
3
00:00:43,723 --> 00:00:47,333
- What?
- "Bonjour, monsieur" - it's French.
4
00:00:47,584 --> 00:00:54,930
So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating
in the street, but don't inflict it on the rest of us.
5
00:00:55,140 --> 00:00:59,925
But French is all the fashion!
My coffee shop is full of Frenchies,
6
00:01:00,177 --> 00:01:03,871
and it's all because of that
wonderful Scarlet Pimpernel.
7
00:01:04,122 --> 00:01:06,305
The Scarlet Pimpernel is not wonderful.
8
00:01:06,557 --> 00:01:12,560
No reason to admire someone for filling London
with a load of garlic-chewing French toffs
9
00:01:12,811 --> 00:01:18,226
crying "Ooh la la!" and looking for sympathy just
because their fathers had their heads cut off.
10
00:01:18,478 --> 00:01:21,752
A cup of coffee
and some shepherd's pie, please.
11
00:01:22,004 --> 00:01:28,090
We don't serve pies any more!
My French clientele consider pies uncouth.
12
00:01:28,342 --> 00:01:30,567
I hardly think that a nation that eats snails,
13
00:01:30,776 --> 00:01:36,359
and would go to bed with the kitchen sink if it put
on a tutu, is in any position to preach couthness.
14
00:01:36,611 --> 00:01:39,591
- So what's on the menu?
- Today's hot choice is;
15
00:01:39,843 --> 00:01:44,754
Chicken Pimpernel in a Scarlet Sauce,
Scarlet Chicken in a Pimpernel Sauce,
16
00:01:45,006 --> 00:01:49,791
or Huge Suspicious-Looking Sausages
in a Scarlet Pimpernel Sauce.
17
00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:55,626
- What exactly is Scarlet Pimpernel sauce?
- You take a large ripe frog, squeeze it...
18
00:01:55,878 --> 00:01:58,606
Yes, all right. I'm off to the pub.
19
00:01:58,857 --> 00:02:03,769
- Ah, "bonjour, monsieur"!
- Sod off.
20
00:02:10,275 --> 00:02:13,717
Oh, sir! Poor little Mildred the cat!
What's he ever done to you?
21
00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:16,697
It is the way of the world, Baldrick,
the abused always kick downwards.
22
00:02:16,948 --> 00:02:19,635
I am annoyed, and so I kick the cat, the cat...
23
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...pounces on the mouse, and, finally, the mouse...
24
00:02:22,699 --> 00:02:25,595
- Agh!
...bites you on the behind.
25
00:02:25,848 --> 00:02:30,338
- Well, what do I do?
- Nothing. You are last in God's great chain.
26
00:02:30,591 --> 00:02:34,074
Unless, of course, there's an earwig around here
that you'd like to victimise.
27
00:02:34,326 --> 00:02:37,181
- Baldrick, what's happened to your nose?
- Nice, innit?
28
00:02:37,432 --> 00:02:39,867
No, it isn't. It's revolting.
29
00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:42,049
I'll take it off, then.
30
00:02:42,301 --> 00:02:46,205
Baldrick, why are you wearing a false boil?
31
00:02:46,515 --> 00:02:52,266
What are we to expect next?
A beauty wart? A cosmetic verruca?
32
00:02:52,475 --> 00:02:55,203
It's a Scarlet Pimple, sir.
33
00:02:55,414 --> 00:02:58,268
- Really?
- Yeah, they're all the rage down our way.
34
00:02:58,519 --> 00:03:04,018
Everyone wants to express their admiration
for the great Pimple and his brilliant disguises.
35
00:03:13,128 --> 00:03:17,677
What has this fellow done, apart from
pop over to France to grab a few French nobs
36
00:03:17,885 --> 00:03:22,560
from the ineffectual clutches of some
malnourished whingeing lefties,
37
00:03:22,768 --> 00:03:26,106
taking the opportunity while there to pick up
some really good cheap wine
38
00:03:26,357 --> 00:03:29,988
and some of their marvellous open fruit flans?
39
00:03:30,238 --> 00:03:32,743
We hate the French! We fight wars against them!
40
00:03:32,992 --> 00:03:35,997
Did all those men die in vain
on the field at Agincourt?
41
00:03:36,206 --> 00:03:39,503
Was the man who burned Joan of Arc
simply wasting good matches?
42
00:03:42,340 --> 00:03:46,013
Ah, His Royal Highness the Pinhead of Wales
summons me.
43
00:03:46,263 --> 00:03:53,149
I feel almost well disposed towards him
this morning - at least he's not French.
44
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:58,365
"Un toast! Encore un toast", I say!
Le Pimpernel Scarlette!
45
00:03:58,616 --> 00:04:02,288
Le Pimpernel Scarlette!
46
00:04:02,330 --> 00:04:06,086
"Le Adder Noir! Come "á nous" in!
47
00:04:09,007 --> 00:04:14,641
This is the fellow to ask, you chaps, my butler,
terribly clever, brighter than a brain pie.
48
00:04:14,891 --> 00:04:17,896
We're trying to guess
who the Scarlet Pimpernel is,
49
00:04:18,146 --> 00:04:22,528
so we can send him an enormous postal order
to express our admiration. Any ideas?
50
00:04:22,779 --> 00:04:27,077
I'm sure if you addressed the envelope to
"The Biggest Show-Off in London", it will reach him.
51
00:04:27,285 --> 00:04:32,252
Tish and pish! Gadzooks! Milarky!
How dare you say such a thing?
52
00:04:32,502 --> 00:04:35,132
Damn me, sir,
if you're not the worst kind of swine!
53
00:04:35,381 --> 00:04:37,134
Damn that swine.
54
00:04:37,385 --> 00:04:40,640
I was merely pointing out
that sneaking aristocrats out
55
00:04:40,889 --> 00:04:45,730
from under the noses of French revolutionaries,
is about as difficult as putting on a hat.
56
00:04:45,982 --> 00:04:47,942
Sink me, sir! This is treason!
57
00:04:48,193 --> 00:04:49,946
The Scarlet Pimpernel is a hero
58
00:04:50,196 --> 00:04:55,121
and the revolution is orchestrated by a ruthless
band of highly organised killers, damn them!
59
00:04:55,328 --> 00:04:57,958
Damn those organised killers.
60
00:04:58,167 --> 00:05:04,761
George, we were just discussing the French
Embassy ball in honour of the exiled aristocracy.
61
00:05:04,969 --> 00:05:09,310
We certainly were. Where I intend to wear
the most magnificent pair of trousers
62
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:13,441
ever to issue forth from the delicate hands
of messrs. Snibcock and Turkey,
63
00:05:13,649 --> 00:05:17,238
Couturiers to the Very Wealthy
and the Extremely Fat.
64
00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:21,453
If the Pimpernel does reveal himself, I don't want
to get caught out wearing boring trousers.
65
00:05:21,704 --> 00:05:25,001
Damn those boring trousers.
66
00:05:25,210 --> 00:05:29,132
What say we bet your cocksure domestic
a thousand guineas
67
00:05:29,382 --> 00:05:35,725
he can't go to France, rescue an aristocrat,
and present him at the ball?
68
00:05:35,892 --> 00:05:38,104
That's turned you white, hasn't it?
69
00:05:38,355 --> 00:05:43,445
That's frightened you, you lily-livered,
caramel-kidneyed, custard-coloured cad.
70
00:05:43,696 --> 00:05:47,536
- Not so buoyant now, are you, eh? Eh?
- Eh?
71
00:05:47,786 --> 00:05:50,832
On the contrary, sir. I'll just go and pack.
72
00:05:51,041 --> 00:05:54,255
Perhaps Lord Smedley and Lord Topper
will accompany me.
73
00:05:54,505 --> 00:06:00,013
It'll be a fairly easy trip - the odd death defying
leap, and a modest amount of dental torture.
74
00:06:00,265 --> 00:06:03,310
- Want to come?
- Oh, no! Damn!
75
00:06:03,561 --> 00:06:04,729
Damn!
76
00:06:04,980 --> 00:06:09,278
Any day now,
I've got an appointment with my doctor.
77
00:06:09,486 --> 00:06:13,118
I've got a bit of a sniffle coming on,
I can feel it in my bones.
78
00:06:13,326 --> 00:06:15,454
Damn bones, damn...
79
00:06:15,705 --> 00:06:20,253
What about next week? Come on, you chaps,
get your diaries out, come on.
80
00:06:20,504 --> 00:06:24,260
All right. Damn! I left it behind.
81
00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:28,474
And, besides, I've just remembered,
my father's just died.
82
00:06:28,683 --> 00:06:33,441
I've got to be at his funeral in ten minutes.
Damn sorry. Goodbye, Your Highness.
83
00:06:33,649 --> 00:06:40,577
Oh, damn, I'm the best man.
Damn that dead father, damn.
84
00:06:40,827 --> 00:06:43,623
- Bye-bye...
- See you at the ball.
85
00:06:43,874 --> 00:06:49,216
What a shame they were so busy. It would
have been lovely to have had them with us.
86
00:06:49,465 --> 00:06:54,598
- Us? You're coming, sir?
- Well, certainly.
87
00:06:54,807 --> 00:06:59,398
And nothing I can say about the mind-bending
horrors of the revolution could put you off?
88
00:06:59,606 --> 00:07:02,402
Absolutely not!
Now, come on, Blackadder, let's get packing.
89
00:07:02,611 --> 00:07:05,281
I want to look my best
for those fabulous French birds.
90
00:07:05,533 --> 00:07:11,584
The type of women currently favoured in France
are toothless crones who just cackle insanely.
91
00:07:11,833 --> 00:07:15,882
Oh, ignore that, they're just playing hard to get.
92
00:07:16,090 --> 00:07:20,389
By removing all their teeth,
going mad and aging forty years?
93
00:07:20,639 --> 00:07:26,565
That's right, the little teasers.
Well, come on, I think a blend of silks and satins.
94
00:07:26,816 --> 00:07:30,028
I fear not, sir. If we are to stand
any chance of survival in France,
95
00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:33,869
we shall have to dress
as the smelliest lowlife imaginable.
96
00:07:34,119 --> 00:07:38,166
- What sort of thing?
- Well, sir, let me show you our Paris Collection.
97
00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:42,423
Baldrick is wearing a sheep's bladder jacket,
98
00:07:42,674 --> 00:07:48,725
with matching dung ball accessories,
hair by crazy Meg of Bedlam Hair.
99
00:07:48,975 --> 00:07:52,188
Notice how the overpowering aroma
of rotting pilchards
100
00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:55,610
has been woven cunningly into the ensemble.
101
00:07:55,861 --> 00:07:58,364
When did you last change your trousers?
102
00:07:58,616 --> 00:08:01,620
- I have never changed my trousers.
- Thank you.
103
00:08:01,870 --> 00:08:07,546
The ancient Greeks wrote of a terrible container
in which all the evils of the world were trapped.
104
00:08:07,796 --> 00:08:10,885
How prophetic they were.
All they got wrong was the name.
105
00:08:11,134 --> 00:08:16,685
They called it "Pandora's Box", when, of course,
they meant "Baldrick's Trousers".
106
00:08:16,935 --> 00:08:20,650
It certainly can get a bit whiffy,
there's no doubt about that.
107
00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:26,450
When the box was opened, the whole world turned
to darkness because of Pandora's fatal curiosity.
108
00:08:26,701 --> 00:08:30,039
I charge you now, Baldrick,
for the good of all mankind,
109
00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:34,629
never allow curiosity
to lead you to open your trousers.
110
00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:37,677
Nothing of interest lies therein.
111
00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:45,145
It is trousers exactly like these that you will have
to wear if we are to pass safely into France.
112
00:08:45,897 --> 00:08:49,653
Well, on second thoughts,
I think I might give this whole thing a miss.
113
00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:54,744
My tummy's playing up a bit. Wish I could come,
but just not poss with this tum.
114
00:08:54,995 --> 00:08:56,581
I understand perfectly, sir.
115
00:08:56,831 --> 00:09:00,169
Also, the chances of me scoring
if I look and smell like him are zero.
116
00:09:00,420 --> 00:09:04,217
That's true, sir.
We shall return presently to bid you farewell.
117
00:09:04,468 --> 00:09:08,891
Mr B, I've been having second thoughts
about this trip to France.
118
00:09:09,142 --> 00:09:15,861
Looking and smelling like this
there's not much chance of me scoring, either.
119
00:09:16,737 --> 00:09:20,160
- Well, Blackadder, this is it.
- Yes, sir.
120
00:09:20,367 --> 00:09:24,541
If I don't make it back, please write to my mother
and tell her that I've been alive all the time,
121
00:09:24,791 --> 00:09:27,671
it's just that I couldn't be bothered
to get in touch with the old bat.
122
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,133
Well, of course, it's the very least I could do.
123
00:09:30,383 --> 00:09:35,099
We must leave at once. The shadows lengthen and
we have a long and arduous journey ahead of us.
124
00:09:35,350 --> 00:09:39,773
Farewell, dear master and, dare I say, friend.
125
00:09:40,023 --> 00:09:45,741
Farewell, brave liberator, and dare I say it, butler.
126
00:09:50,373 --> 00:09:53,878
- Right, stick the kettle on, Balders.
- What, aren't we going to France?
127
00:09:54,087 --> 00:09:56,758
Of course not, it's incredibly dangerous there.
128
00:09:56,967 --> 00:10:02,642
- Well, how are you going to win your bet?
- By use of the large thing between my ears.
129
00:10:02,850 --> 00:10:05,772
Oh, your nose.
130
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,444
No, Baldrick, my brain.
131
00:10:09,653 --> 00:10:14,953
All we do is lie low here for a week, then go to
Mrs Miggins', pick up any old French aristocrat,
132
00:10:15,203 --> 00:10:18,751
drag him through a puddle, take him to the ball,
and claim our thousand guineas.
133
00:10:19,001 --> 00:10:26,220
- What if the Prince finds us here?
- He couldn't find his own fly buttons.
134
00:10:26,345 --> 00:10:30,643
What a pair of trousers!
135
00:10:30,728 --> 00:10:33,940
I shall be the belle of the Embassy Ball.
136
00:10:34,191 --> 00:10:39,533
Now, how to put them on? Blackadder!
Oh, no, damn, he's gone to France.
137
00:10:39,783 --> 00:10:44,166
Well, I'll do it myself, shouldn't be too difficult.
138
00:10:48,672 --> 00:10:52,636
Well, Baldrick, what a very pleasant week.
We must do this more often.
139
00:10:52,845 --> 00:10:58,062
Yes, I shall certainly choose revolutionary France
for my holiday again next year.
140
00:10:58,312 --> 00:11:03,570
Still, time to go to work. Off to Mrs Miggins'
to pick up any old French toff.
141
00:11:06,992 --> 00:11:08,703
What do you think that is?
142
00:11:08,954 --> 00:11:15,004
If I was feeling malicious, I'd say it's the Prince
still trying to put his trousers on after a week.
143
00:11:15,547 --> 00:11:18,301
Damn!
144
00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:25,354
Ah, Mrs Miggins, I'd like a massive plate of pig's
trotters, frog's legs and snail's ears, please,
145
00:11:25,605 --> 00:11:28,234
all drenched in your lovely
Scarlet Pimpernel Sauce.
146
00:11:28,484 --> 00:11:35,954
- Not so hostile to the Frenchies now, Mr B.
- I'd sooner be hostile to my own servant.
147
00:11:37,081 --> 00:11:40,461
In fact,
I came here specifically to meet lovely Frenchies.
148
00:11:40,712 --> 00:11:43,675
Well, "vive" to that and an eclair for both of us!
149
00:11:43,925 --> 00:11:48,515
"Vive", indeed. Now, what I'm looking for
is a particular kind of Frenchie,
150
00:11:48,766 --> 00:11:53,064
namely one who is transparently of noble blood
but also short on cash.
151
00:11:53,314 --> 00:11:59,323
I've got just the fellow for you, over there
by the window, the "Comte de Frou-Frou".
152
00:11:59,532 --> 00:12:06,752
He's pretty down on his luck,
and he's made that horse's willy last all morning.
153
00:12:08,380 --> 00:12:12,261
We have struck garlic!
154
00:12:13,804 --> 00:12:17,853
- Now you can have some lunch, Baldrick.
- Thank you.
155
00:12:18,103 --> 00:12:20,441
"Le Comte de Frou-Frou", I believe.
156
00:12:20,648 --> 00:12:22,109
Eh?
157
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:25,656
- Do you speak English?
- A little...
158
00:12:25,908 --> 00:12:29,954
What exactly do you mean? Can we talk
or are we going to spend the rest of the afternoon
159
00:12:30,206 --> 00:12:33,043
asking each other the way to the beach
in very loud voices?
160
00:12:33,251 --> 00:12:37,300
Ah, no. I can order coffee, deal with waiters,
161
00:12:37,550 --> 00:12:41,766
make sexy chit-chat with girls,
that type of thing.
162
00:12:41,973 --> 00:12:45,270
Just don't ask me to take a physiology class
or direct a light opera.
163
00:12:45,522 --> 00:12:51,531
No, I won't. Now, listen, Frou-Frou,
would you like to earn some money?
164
00:12:51,906 --> 00:12:53,325
No, I wouldn't.
165
00:12:53,534 --> 00:12:58,959
I would like other people to earn it and then give
it to me, just like in France in the good old days.
166
00:12:59,167 --> 00:13:02,631
This is a chance to return to the good old days.
167
00:13:02,882 --> 00:13:08,306
Oh, how I would love that!
I hate this life! The food is filthy!
168
00:13:08,558 --> 00:13:14,107
This huge sausage is very suspicious.
If I didn't know better, I'd say it was a horse's...
169
00:13:14,358 --> 00:13:18,114
Yes, yes, all right.
Now, listen. The plan is this.
170
00:13:18,364 --> 00:13:22,120
I have a bet on with someone
that I can get a Frenchman out of Paris.
171
00:13:22,329 --> 00:13:24,457
I want you to be that Frenchman.
172
00:13:24,708 --> 00:13:28,254
All you have to do is come to the embassy
with me, say that I rescued you,
173
00:13:28,505 --> 00:13:33,472
and then walk away with fifty guineas and all
the vol-au-vents you can stuff in your pockets.
174
00:13:33,721 --> 00:13:37,436
- What do you say?
- It will be a pleasure.
175
00:13:37,686 --> 00:13:41,567
If there's one thing we aristocrats enjoy,
it's a fabulous party.
176
00:13:41,817 --> 00:13:45,532
Oh, the music! Oh, the laughter!
177
00:13:45,782 --> 00:13:50,539
If only I'd brought my mongoose costume.
178
00:13:53,961 --> 00:13:57,717
Yes, well, obviously it hasn't really got going yet.
179
00:13:57,967 --> 00:14:02,683
I think that is a bit of an understatement, I've
been at autopsies with more party atmosphere.
180
00:14:02,892 --> 00:14:08,025
Don't worry! In a moment we will hear
the sound of music and happy laughter.
181
00:14:13,534 --> 00:14:16,580
- Bonsoir, monsieur.
- Good evening, my man.
182
00:14:16,830 --> 00:14:19,501
- Do you speak English?
- A little.
183
00:14:19,751 --> 00:14:24,342
- Just take me to the Ambassador, then, will you?
- Pardon?
184
00:14:24,426 --> 00:14:32,020
I have rescued an aristocrat
from the clutches of the evil revolutionaries.
185
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:35,192
Please take me to the Ambassador.
186
00:14:35,443 --> 00:14:38,364
No, I won't.
187
00:14:38,573 --> 00:14:41,618
I am an evil revolutionary
188
00:14:41,870 --> 00:14:50,592
and I have murdered the Ambassador
and turned him into pâté.
189
00:14:50,842 --> 00:14:51,801
Ah...
190
00:14:52,011 --> 00:14:55,182
And you, aristo-pig, are trapped.
191
00:14:55,432 --> 00:15:00,148
Pig? Hah!
You will regret your insolence, revolutionary dog.
192
00:15:00,398 --> 00:15:03,862
Dog? Hah!
You will regret your arrogance, royalist snake.
193
00:15:04,112 --> 00:15:07,117
- Snake? Hah!
- Sorry to interrupt this interesting discussion.
194
00:15:07,367 --> 00:15:11,625
But this is really none of my business,
so I think I'll be on my way. Come on, Baldrick.
195
00:15:11,874 --> 00:15:14,587
Not so fast, English!
196
00:15:14,837 --> 00:15:19,929
In rescuing this "boîte de stinkyweed"
197
00:15:20,179 --> 00:15:23,852
you have attempted to pervert
revolutionary justice.
198
00:15:24,101 --> 00:15:27,649
Do you know what they do to people who do that?
199
00:15:27,857 --> 00:15:31,947
They're given a little present
and allowed to go free?
200
00:15:32,198 --> 00:15:35,703
They're smacked and told not to be naughty,
but basically let off.
201
00:15:35,954 --> 00:15:41,462
I think I know. They're put in prison for the night
and brutally guillotined in the morning.
202
00:15:41,713 --> 00:15:43,841
Well done, Baldrick.
203
00:15:44,050 --> 00:15:47,429
Your little gnome is correct, monsieur.
204
00:15:47,681 --> 00:15:51,812
Gentlemen!
Welcome to the last day of your life!
205
00:15:52,062 --> 00:15:54,859
How dare you, you filthy weasel.
206
00:15:55,109 --> 00:15:58,156
Weasel? Hah!
You're one to talk, aristo-warthog.
207
00:15:58,405 --> 00:16:00,075
- Warthog? Hah!
- Hah!
208
00:16:00,324 --> 00:16:03,873
Excuse me, Frou-Frou.
Look, mate, me old mate...
209
00:16:04,123 --> 00:16:07,753
We're both working class,
we both hate these rich bastards.
210
00:16:08,004 --> 00:16:11,384
Come on, me old mucker,
just let me go, you've got nothing against me.
211
00:16:11,634 --> 00:16:13,262
On the contrary.
212
00:16:13,513 --> 00:16:18,729
I hate you English with your boring trousers
and your shiny toilet paper
213
00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:23,987
and your ridiculous preconception
that Frenchmen are great lovers.
214
00:16:24,237 --> 00:16:28,660
I'm French and I'm hung like a baby carrot
and a couple of "petits pois".
215
00:16:28,912 --> 00:16:33,543
Farewell, old mucker,
and death to the aristos!
216
00:16:33,794 --> 00:16:37,383
- Death to the aristos!
- Shut up, mousebrain!
217
00:16:38,092 --> 00:16:42,517
Monsieur, why do you waste your words
on this scum? Have no fear!
218
00:16:42,766 --> 00:16:47,065
- The Scarlet Pimpernel will save us.
- Hah! Some hope.
219
00:16:47,315 --> 00:16:54,493
He's the most overrated human being since Judas
Iscariot won the A.D. 31 Best Disciple Competition.
220
00:16:54,744 --> 00:17:00,419
Well, if he should fail us, here,
I have these suicide pills.
221
00:17:00,669 --> 00:17:04,300
One for me, one for you,
222
00:17:04,551 --> 00:17:07,346
and one for the dwarf.
223
00:17:07,597 --> 00:17:12,479
- Say "thank you", Baldrick.
- Thank you, Mr Frou.
224
00:17:14,065 --> 00:17:17,529
- Ah, the Pimpernel!
- Hurray!
225
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:21,870
Ah, the Ambassador, hurray...
226
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:25,249
Hmm, I've got nothing to do.
227
00:17:25,457 --> 00:17:28,922
So I think I will torture...
228
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:31,134
...you, aristo-mongrel!
229
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:35,014
Mongrel? Hah!
I look forward to it, proletarian skunk!
230
00:17:35,265 --> 00:17:38,770
Skunk? Hah!
We'll see about that, aristocratic happypotamus!
231
00:17:39,021 --> 00:17:42,776
Happypotamus? Hah!
We'll soon see who's the happypotamus.
232
00:17:43,028 --> 00:17:47,951
I'm glad to say,
I don't think you'll be needing those pills, Mr B.
233
00:17:48,203 --> 00:17:52,834
Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick,
or are the words "I have a cunning plan"
234
00:17:53,084 --> 00:17:56,590
marching with ill-deserved confidence
in the direction of this conversation?
235
00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:58,593
They certainly are!
236
00:17:58,843 --> 00:18:04,477
Forgive me if I don't jump up and down with glee,
your record is not exactly a hundred percent.
237
00:18:04,728 --> 00:18:07,690
- So, what's the plan?
- We do nothing.
238
00:18:07,899 --> 00:18:11,821
Yep, that's another world-beater.
239
00:18:11,906 --> 00:18:19,459
Wait, I haven't finished. We do nothing
until our heads have actually been cut off.
240
00:18:20,252 --> 00:18:24,467
- And then we spring into action?
- Exactly!
241
00:18:24,717 --> 00:18:29,224
You know how when you cut a chicken's head off,
it runs round and round the farmyard?
242
00:18:29,475 --> 00:18:31,102
Yeah...
243
00:18:31,353 --> 00:18:34,274
Well, we wait until our heads have been cut off,
244
00:18:34,524 --> 00:18:39,407
then we run round and round the farmyard,
out the farm gate and escape.
245
00:18:39,616 --> 00:18:43,288
- What do you think?
- My opinions are difficult to express in words.
246
00:18:43,496 --> 00:18:46,918
Perhaps I can put it this way...
247
00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:51,593
It doesn't really matter, 'cause
the Scarlet Pimpernel will save us, anyway.
248
00:18:51,843 --> 00:18:56,474
No, he won't, Baldrick.
Either I think up an idea, or tomorrow we die,
249
00:18:56,726 --> 00:18:58,937
which, Baldrick, I have no intention of doing,
250
00:18:59,187 --> 00:19:03,861
because I want to be young and wild,
and then I want to be middle-aged and rich,
251
00:19:04,112 --> 00:19:08,828
and then I want to be old
and annoy people by pretending that I'm deaf.
252
00:19:09,077 --> 00:19:13,251
Just be quiet and let me think.
253
00:19:13,460 --> 00:19:18,885
- I can't sleep, Mr Blackadder.
- I said "Shut up"!
254
00:19:19,093 --> 00:19:23,267
I'm so excited to think that the Scarlet Pimpernel
will be here at any moment.
255
00:19:23,517 --> 00:19:28,191
I wish you'd forget this ridiculous fantasy.
Even if he did turn up, the guards would be woken
256
00:19:28,441 --> 00:19:34,368
by the scraping noise as he tried to squeeze
his massive swollen head through the door.
257
00:19:34,576 --> 00:19:38,290
- I couldn't sleep when I was little.
- You still are little, Baldrick.
258
00:19:38,499 --> 00:19:43,840
Yeah, well, when I was even littler, see,
we used to live in this haunted hovel.
259
00:19:44,091 --> 00:19:50,559
Every night, my family were troubled
by a visitation from this disgusting ghoul.
260
00:19:50,810 --> 00:19:55,067
It was terrible.
First there was this unholy smell,
261
00:19:55,316 --> 00:20:01,827
then this tiny, clammy, hairy creature
would materialise in the bed between them.
262
00:20:02,078 --> 00:20:04,623
Fortunately, I could never see it myself.
263
00:20:04,872 --> 00:20:11,925
Tell me, Baldrick, when you left home,
did this repulsive entity mysteriously disappear?
264
00:20:12,135 --> 00:20:16,224
- That very day.
- I think then, that the mystery is solved.
265
00:20:16,474 --> 00:20:18,437
Now shut up.
266
00:20:18,687 --> 00:20:21,607
Either I think up an idea,
or tomorrow we meet our maker.
267
00:20:21,816 --> 00:20:25,656
In my case, God. In your case, God knows,
268
00:20:25,906 --> 00:20:30,413
but I'd be surprised
if he's won any design awards.
269
00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:33,752
- I thought of a plan!
- Hurray!
270
00:20:34,002 --> 00:20:36,547
Also, I thought of a way to get you to sleep.
271
00:20:36,798 --> 00:20:39,677
Ow!
272
00:20:40,346 --> 00:20:43,558
Morning, scum. Did we sleep well?
273
00:20:43,809 --> 00:20:50,027
Like a tot, thank you. But, by jiminy, you must
be feeling thirsty after your long night's brutality.
274
00:20:50,277 --> 00:20:53,324
- Drink?
- "Non, merci", not while I'm on duty.
275
00:20:53,532 --> 00:20:56,663
Perhaps later.
276
00:20:56,913 --> 00:20:59,416
For you, monsieur, there is no later.
277
00:20:59,668 --> 00:21:05,217
Because gentlemen, I am proud to introduce
France's most vicious woman,
278
00:21:05,468 --> 00:21:12,312
unexpectedly arrived from Paris this morning.
Please welcome Madame Guillotine herself!
279
00:21:18,446 --> 00:21:21,743
- Are these the English pigs?
- Yes, that's us.
280
00:21:21,994 --> 00:21:24,122
Leave them with me, "Monsieur Ambassadeur".
281
00:21:24,373 --> 00:21:28,253
I intend to torture them
in a manner so unbearably gruesome,
282
00:21:28,462 --> 00:21:31,341
even you will not be able to stand it!
283
00:21:31,592 --> 00:21:34,889
- I don't think I will have a problem, madame.
- You will be sick.
284
00:21:35,098 --> 00:21:40,773
- I'll leave if I'm feeling queasy.
- You will be sick immediately.
285
00:21:40,981 --> 00:21:45,822
What if I am sick quietly, in a bag?
I mean, what is in your mind?
286
00:21:52,249 --> 00:21:54,711
So! Scum!
287
00:21:54,962 --> 00:21:58,551
Prepare to be in pain!
288
00:21:58,801 --> 00:22:05,479
Yes, certainly.
But first, perhaps, a toast to your beauty.
289
00:22:05,687 --> 00:22:08,399
Oh, thank you. OK.
290
00:22:08,649 --> 00:22:10,694
Cheers.
291
00:22:10,903 --> 00:22:14,785
I expect you were expecting to be rescued, huh?!
292
00:22:15,035 --> 00:22:16,244
Some bloody hope...
293
00:22:16,454 --> 00:22:21,295
On the contrary! I'm just sorry I'm so late.
294
00:22:21,544 --> 00:22:25,593
- Gentlemen, I have come to take you to freedom!
- Hurray!
295
00:22:25,843 --> 00:22:28,472
My God! Smedley!
But I thought you were an absolute fathead.
296
00:22:28,723 --> 00:22:31,812
No, just a damn fine actor!
297
00:22:32,019 --> 00:22:37,320
Thank God I got here before you took
any of those awful suicide pills!
298
00:22:38,947 --> 00:22:44,455
I suppose, if someone had taken one and wished
he hadn't, he'd be able to do something about it.
299
00:22:44,707 --> 00:22:47,461
No, no, they're very odd things, you see.
300
00:22:47,711 --> 00:22:53,971
The symptoms are most peculiar. First of all,
the victims become very, very depressed.
301
00:22:54,178 --> 00:22:56,559
Oh, God!
302
00:22:56,808 --> 00:23:00,648
This whole revolution is so depressing,
I mean, sometimes I wonder why I bother.
303
00:23:00,857 --> 00:23:04,863
- I'm so lonely, and nobody loves me...
- And after the depression comes death?
304
00:23:05,113 --> 00:23:09,077
No, after the depression
comes the loss of temper, you stuck-up bastard!
305
00:23:09,327 --> 00:23:12,542
What are you staring at?!
306
00:23:12,791 --> 00:23:14,878
And after the temper comes death?
307
00:23:15,129 --> 00:23:19,135
No! After the temper comes the, er...
308
00:23:19,343 --> 00:23:21,806
...comes the, er...
- Forgetfulness?
309
00:23:22,056 --> 00:23:25,311
- Er, yes, that's it. Er, comes the, er...
- Forgetfulness.
310
00:23:25,562 --> 00:23:28,775
Yes, yes. Right in the middle of a thingy...
311
00:23:29,026 --> 00:23:33,198
...you completely forget what it was you...
Oh, nice pair of shoes!
312
00:23:33,449 --> 00:23:36,537
- And after the forgetfulness, you die?
- Oh, no! I forgot one!
313
00:23:36,788 --> 00:23:40,335
After the forgetfulness
comes a moment of exquisite happiness!
314
00:23:40,543 --> 00:23:43,131
Jumping up and down,
and waving your arms in the air,
315
00:23:43,339 --> 00:23:47,930
and knowing that in a minute
we're all going to be free! Free! Free!
316
00:23:48,138 --> 00:23:52,896
- And then death?
- No, you jump into a corner first.
317
00:23:53,647 --> 00:23:57,444
- Hurray! It's the Scarlet Pimpernel!
- Yes, Baldrick.
318
00:23:57,695 --> 00:24:00,658
- And you killed him!
- Yes, Baldrick.
319
00:24:00,908 --> 00:24:04,038
What's the bloody point
of being the Scarlet Pimpernel
320
00:24:04,289 --> 00:24:07,419
if you're going to fall
for the old poisoned cup routine?
321
00:24:07,669 --> 00:24:10,799
Scarlet Pimpernel, my foot.
Scarlet Git, more like it.
322
00:24:11,049 --> 00:24:14,513
- Wait! Here's our chance to escape!
- But what about Mr Frou?
323
00:24:14,763 --> 00:24:19,896
Forget Frou-Frou.
I wouldn't pick my nose to save his life.
324
00:24:20,105 --> 00:24:23,777
Ah, Frou-Frou, my old friend and comrade,
what are you doing here?
325
00:24:24,028 --> 00:24:28,200
- I escaped! What happened here?
- Oh, er, nothing, nothing.
326
00:24:28,452 --> 00:24:31,622
I thought for a moment
the Scarlet Pimpernel had saved you.
327
00:24:37,507 --> 00:24:41,138
Ah, chaps, good to see you.
Just trying on the new trousers.
328
00:24:41,388 --> 00:24:46,855
I return, sir, as promised, plus one toff French
aristocrat fresh from the Bastille.
329
00:24:47,064 --> 00:24:51,696
Pleased to meet you, monsieur. Do sit down.
330
00:24:51,904 --> 00:24:54,951
Damn sorry about the revolution,
most awfully bad luck.
331
00:24:55,201 --> 00:24:57,663
Blackadder, how the devil did you get him out?
332
00:24:57,915 --> 00:25:00,084
It's an extraordinary tale of courage and heroism
333
00:25:00,334 --> 00:25:03,381
which I blush from telling myself,
but seeing as there's no one else...
334
00:25:03,631 --> 00:25:05,718
I could try.
335
00:25:05,968 --> 00:25:09,808
We left England in good weather,
but that was as far as our luck held.
336
00:25:10,016 --> 00:25:12,770
In the middle of Dover harbour,
we were struck by a tidal wave.
337
00:25:12,979 --> 00:25:17,946
I was forced to swim to Boulogne with
the unconscious Baldrick tucked into my trousers.
338
00:25:18,196 --> 00:25:23,454
Then, we were taken to Paris, where I was
summarily tried and condemned to death,
339
00:25:23,663 --> 00:25:28,253
and then hung by the larger of my testicles
from the walls of the Bastille.
340
00:25:28,462 --> 00:25:31,258
It was then that I decided I had had enough.
341
00:25:31,466 --> 00:25:32,676
Bravo!
342
00:25:32,927 --> 00:25:38,477
I rescued the "Count", killed the guards,
jumped the moat, ran to Versailles
343
00:25:38,727 --> 00:25:42,984
where I climbed into Mr Robespierre's bedroom,
leaving him a small tray of milk chocolates
344
00:25:43,235 --> 00:25:46,739
and an insulting note. The rest was easy.
345
00:25:46,991 --> 00:25:51,372
That is an incredible story,
worthy of the Scarlet Pimpernel himself.
346
00:25:51,581 --> 00:25:53,667
I wouldn't know.
347
00:25:53,918 --> 00:25:56,297
I, on the other hand, would.
348
00:25:56,547 --> 00:26:00,429
Because, you see, sir...
349
00:26:04,894 --> 00:26:08,191
...I am the Scarlet Pimpernel.
350
00:26:08,441 --> 00:26:10,986
- Uh oh...
- Hurray!
351
00:26:11,236 --> 00:26:14,450
- Good Lord! Topper!
- Yes, Your Highness.
352
00:26:14,658 --> 00:26:19,708
By egads and by jingo with dumplings, steak and
kidneys, and a good solid helping of sprouts,
353
00:26:19,958 --> 00:26:25,509
I can't believe it! You're the fellow
who single-handedly saved all those Frenchies?
354
00:26:25,759 --> 00:26:30,934
Not quite single-handedly, sir.
I operated with the help of my friend, Smedley,
355
00:26:31,142 --> 00:26:35,900
but he seems to have disappeared
for the moment, slightly mysteriously.
356
00:26:36,150 --> 00:26:38,780
- Shut up, Baldrick.
- Yes, Mr Blackadder.
357
00:26:39,030 --> 00:26:42,786
So Blackadder rescued the Scarlet Pimpernel.
358
00:26:43,036 --> 00:26:45,540
No, sir, he did not.
359
00:26:45,791 --> 00:26:51,341
Prepare yourself for a story of dishonour
and deceit that will make your stomach turn.
360
00:26:51,591 --> 00:26:55,848
This is interesting, isn't it, Blackadder?
361
00:26:56,223 --> 00:27:00,355
Not only that, but I trust
it will lead to the imprisonment of a man
362
00:27:00,605 --> 00:27:05,279
who is a liar, a bounder, and a cad.
363
00:27:06,448 --> 00:27:10,787
Well, bravo, because we hate liars,
bounders and cads, don't we, Blackadder?
364
00:27:11,038 --> 00:27:13,334
Generally speaking, yes, sir.
365
00:27:13,542 --> 00:27:19,510
But perhaps before Lord Topper starts to talk,
he might like a glass of wine.
366
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:24,810
- He's looking a little shaken.
- Shaken, but not stirred.
367
00:27:25,853 --> 00:27:31,028
It all began last week.
I was sitting in Mrs Miggins' coffee shop when...
368
00:27:31,278 --> 00:27:35,201
Oh, God!
369
00:27:35,534 --> 00:27:38,623
All this treachery is so depressing.
370
00:27:38,873 --> 00:27:42,713
I mean, the whole thing
just makes you incredibly angry!
371
00:27:42,963 --> 00:27:44,465
And it just makes you want to...
372
00:27:44,716 --> 00:27:49,098
Oh, that's a nice waistcoat, Your Majesty.
373
00:27:49,306 --> 00:27:52,561
I'm sorry,
I've completely forgotten what I was talking about.
374
00:27:52,811 --> 00:27:55,066
A story of dishonour and deceit...
375
00:27:55,315 --> 00:27:58,029
That's a great story! That's great!
376
00:27:58,278 --> 00:28:04,121
Oh, that's a wonderful story!
Let me just jump into the corner first.
377
00:28:05,999 --> 00:28:09,420
Roast my raisins! He's popped it!
378
00:28:09,672 --> 00:28:12,426
Do you think he really was the Scarlet Pimpernel?
379
00:28:12,676 --> 00:28:17,517
Well, judging from the ridiculous ostentatiousness
of his death, I would say that he was.
380
00:28:17,768 --> 00:28:22,441
Well, that's a damn shame, because I wanted
to give him this enormous postal order.
381
00:28:22,692 --> 00:28:27,156
Please, sir, let me finish.
I would say that he was... n't.
382
00:28:27,408 --> 00:28:33,166
You see, the Scarlet Pimpernel would never ever
reveal his identity. That's his great secret.
383
00:28:33,417 --> 00:28:38,758
So what you're actually looking for
is someone who has, say, just been to France
384
00:28:39,009 --> 00:28:43,057
and rescued an aristocrat, but when asked,
"Are you the Scarlet Pimpernel?",
385
00:28:43,265 --> 00:28:45,352
he replies, "Absolutely not".
386
00:28:45,603 --> 00:28:49,150
But, wait a minute!
Blackadder, you've just been to France,
387
00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:52,113
and you've rescued a French aristocrat.
388
00:28:52,362 --> 00:28:55,284
Blackadder, are you the Scarlet Pimpernel?
389
00:28:55,535 --> 00:28:59,499
Absolutely not, sir.
390
00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:03,547
Hurray!